Internal Dialogue: A Story of Fear and How to Overcome
Being scared is dumb. It’s this flighty notion that what we don’t understand something is bad. Rarely when presented a chance to learn, do we jump in with both feet with an eagerness to be less ignorant. Instead we rant, rave, and holler that it’s anxiety’s fault. Now anxiety is not the punch line to some bad joke. There are millions of people who suffer from it. It’s profoundly serious. However, a fair amount of us don’t have crippling anxiety, and we wish to convince ourselves that is our excuse to do difficult things. Things that may potentially rip you from the cozy sheets of our comfort zones. Scary things are just too scary sometimes.
Now, I have an irrational issue with roller coasters. It’s not even the fact of going on one is problematic, but speed and being upside down is closer to torturous than removed from it. Without a doubt, (if someone reads this) will laugh and say to themselves, “What a coward! Roller coasters are super fun and I spend every summer going to Six Flags or some amusement park and wait hours in line to live what you are so scared of.” In my response, you are correct. I accepted that I was a coward about it. It’s not a huge impact on my life. I’m not going to be walking down the street and have a roller coaster follow me home. I’m quite sure that would almost be amazing to watch it stalk me, but I digress.
Over COVID, I really didn’t like myself a whole lot. I still had insecurity issues and I know I wasn’t my best as a person to others. Over 2021 and going into 2022, I was fed up with my excuses and need to stay safe. I needed to challenge myself in ways that develop my character. I needed to practice the stoic teachings I spent months comprehending. I had to evolve.
Then this happened. A client brought up trapeze to the instructors at SPENGA. Years ago, it would have been easy to make plans and cancel last minute. Tell me you haven’t done that. You actively make plans and them “something comes up.” Trapeze sounded terrifying. My heart sky-rocketed to my throat with fear. This was right in line with roller coasters, but I wouldn’t even have a seat. I WOULD HAVE TO PHYSICALLY HOLD ON! There was a moment my breath starts to speed up and go shallow, like the start of a panic attack. Suddenly, almost like I was destined to live it. My brain echoed, “You suffer more in imagination than reality.” I drew a long full breath and responded to the offer. “Yes, I’m in.” My brain then chimed in. “Because you are scared of something you don’t understand. It’s a giant swing. You get to be Spider-Man. You don’t have to, but you get a great way to learn!”
After my positivity and acceptance of my mission, it didn’t cross my mind. As if my brain asked me not to worry about things I can’t control. “Why concern yourself with something far out ahead of you? Take your next step and continue to your goals. It will be handled when you get there. You have other work to concern yourself with.” I retorted mentally, “Ok, dummy. You are right and I have stuff to do.”
Time Passes. No concerns of fear. I was busy and didn’t have time for it. Even when I actively thought about it. Nothing. No emotion. It just was. But the day of the event, reality was coming. [Going forward, there is a lot of internal dialogue. Maybe I’m crazy and that’s okay too. Nonetheless, the Logic side and the Emotional side started to fight. Please keep in mind, the Emotional has control of my body. It acts on impulse and desire a lot. Logic doesn’t get that same chance.]
It's now the day of. Still nothing. No feelings of fear; just blank. I teach and I’m almost waiting for something to happen to keep me from going. Like it I were to sneeze, I can say, “I sneezed, so I must have coronavirus and I shouldn’t be around people.” But nope. Nothing. Noon passes. I’m busy on my own goals and distracted. It’s 2pm and I prep to meet some friends at happy hour.
I sit in my normal seat and await the others. I order a beer. Emotional chimes onto the bartender, “Hey, I’m going to try trapeze today.” Logic steps in and interrupts, “And I’m scared.” She consoles me momentarily as the now apparent fear arises. I continue to sit patiently, but my friends don’t make it in today. So I’m left with my thoughts. This is when things get interesting.
Emotional: I can’t do this. Just cancel and drink here. Let’s just say I forgot, or something came up
Logic: I have people counting on me to be there. I’m only as good as my word and that is not a quality I want to lose.
Emotional: It’s scary and I could get hurt. I probably won’t but think about dealing with being scared. I’ll piss my pants. That feeling is a lot to handle and I shouldn’t be forced to do things I don’t like.
(I glance at the TV to distract myself. There is a pharma commercial for psoriasis treatment. Emotional makes a play.)
Emotional: Your ex had psoriasis. Remember her… remember those feelings. How is that heart feeling now? Bothered? Does she think about you? You are thinking about her now. You should try to look her up.
(Instinctually, I pull up my phone and pop open Instagram. Less than 1 minute later, I found her. No active posts since 2016. Side note, she still looked good in 2016. Good for her)
Logic: This is not important. You haven’t even passively thought about her in years. The commercial came on and you are looking to spiral out. You are not going to cancel. You do need to go the bathroom and order another round. You have 2 hours until you have to leave.
(I make my way to the bathroom and do bathroom stuff. I wash my hands and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.)
Logic: I recognize you. You are working on something tough today. It’s a big deal. The world might not know it or even care. Honestly, it would be weird if they did. You promised yourself you wanted to improve as a person. Amor Fati (I love fate) right? You aren’t scared or anxious at all. You, sir, are eager. You are eager to evolve. Why let emotional nonsense flood your thoughts? Is the person you wish to be scared at opportunity or will you fucking grab a hold and do something. ACT ON IT!
(Tears begin to stream down my face. I laugh and grab a paper towel. I clean myself up and go back to my seat.)
I say to the bartender. “I get to be Spider-Man tonight. I get to do trapeze work for the first time. I’m just hoping my shoulders stay loose and my grip holds tight.” She responds, “That sounds like fun. Are you okay?” I realize I still have watery eyes and they must have turned a bit red. “I’m fine. Actually, I’m kind of great. I was crying a second ago. Don’t worry about it. It’s not a bad thing. I’m kind of proud of myself. I’m truly terrified to go tonight, but I didn’t let my emotions get the best of me. The emotional side of me is ranting, raving, and hollering and starting to realize that I’m going to do this.
I look at my watch. It’s time to leave. My heart skips. I pay my tab. Tip well (always tip well).
My legs feel a bit heavy as I walk to my car. I plug in the address and scroll Spotify for a playlist. The music is key now. If I can stay amped up and focused on driving, Emotional will have a hard time chiming in to disrupt. The drive goes on forever. I start to sing/rap in the car to keep myself just going. One stoplight at a time. I continue to focus on full breathing the cold sharp breeze from the slightly open window.
Logic: Be alert.
I roll the corner and pay for parking. That sucks. That always sucks. My phone beeps and my cousin has already arrived. He’s been awaiting 10 minutes or so. I’m 15 minutes early myself.
Logic: One step at a time. You don’t have to think about it. Act and react. You know what to do.
Emotional: YOU COWARD! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH WHY BOTHER! YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL!
I push open the door and my cousin is waiting. The center is giant. A hardwood floor that extends out forever. I see there is a curtain divider, the other half of the center is skewed from view.
Logic: To improve, one MUST BE WILLING to look foolish sometimes.
Emotional: (faintly) you are only foolish
I sign up and await the rest of my coworkers. I leave my phone in my coat and stare intensely at the safety net and rigging. My adrenaline starts to build in my blood. I’m suddenly hyper focused and the world is off a beat. I’m starting to think I control time.
The others arrive and we exchange pleasantries. The instructor literally shows us the ropes. He states that you bring your toes to the edge. You lift your chest high and press your hips out ahead of you. Soft bend in the knees and HOP! There is a small set up to practice. We all take a turn. The instructor then points at a board to set our sequence.
Logic: You need to go first.
Without further thought, I eagerly scribble my name on the board. I step back and admire my work.
Emotional: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! AAHHHHH! YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!
I get handed a safety belt. I wrap it around me. I look to the pew seating, but before my hips lower.
“Charlie! You’re up!”
I borderline piss right there. All of the previous emotional stuff swells. My breath shortens. I’m certain my heartbeat will crack a rib alone. I place my hand on the ladder and scurry up. The ladder is held in place, but Emotional tells me it’s going to break if I take another step. It sounds like climbing a ladder but I’m listening to anything off. I’m feeling everything slow down again and the faster I ascend the longer it takes.
After eternity ends, I make it to the platform and immediately look over the edge.
Emotional: High isn’t it. Just. One. Mis…. Step.
I extend my arm out and grab the trapeze bar. I hike up my chest. Big breath in. I lean out over the edge and catch the bar with my other hand. Big breath out. I bend my knees.
Logic: (whispers) What will it take to demand the BEST OF YOURSELF?
HOP!
